Let me start off by saying, the lifestyle I used to live is far behind me and I’m in a healthy relationship now with someone who accepts me and my past. But I still go back to remind myself that any situation, good or bad, is an opportunity to grow. I wouldn’t be here without my mistakes (which I am still sort of embarrassed to be writing about.)

Back when I was a sex worker some of the men I have encountered were married but I never asked questions because they were either paying me and or I was oblivious and naïve. But sometimes I feel I subconsciously knew that they were not the man for me or that there was something shady going on. I could also tell when a man has taken his wedding ring off to pretend he is not married… There is a damn tan line.

For instance, I met this guy just by asking him if I could “bum/buy” a smoke off him. Of course I got one and his number in the process (he insisted). Instantly I knew in the back of my mind that I didn’t have time for this guy and that I had bigger fish to fry. I had just moved to Toronto for Event Planning. But again, he insisted that he wanted to get to know me. He sweetly talked me into drinks by brushing my hair out of my face when I was talking and I fell into his dick sand hard.

Dick sand is like quicksand but with dicks. It’s when a girl meets a guy and instead of standing firmly on solid ground knowing who she is and how she feels about herself she instead quickly starts to sink into dick sand. It’s where you lose the ability to know what you like and instead you like and do everything the guy likes. You start merging into the female version of the guy by liking what he likes, not allowing yourself to have your own personal interests or opinions. Initially losing yourself in the dick sand.

A reference from one of my favorite movies, (How To Be Single).

Did I also mention he was very sexy. Luke was tall, athletic, dark green eyes with slick back, thick blonde hair. but never be fooled by a pretty face. I wasn’t entirely oblivious to the signs, I could feel that something seemed off but I couldn’t piece it together. I honestly was just enjoying the attention this man was giving me. We will call him Luke.

Luke wanted to take me out for drinks when I was done school and of course I agreed. A hot guy and free beer, what could possibly go wrong? While out for beers, in the span of an hour, he bought me a bunch of beers and shots, you could say we were having a good time. Until he had to leave abruptly. He bought me another beer, paid the tab and left. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. His excuse, he was “sick.”

I didn’t hear from him for a few more days, until I decided to message him to go out for drinks again, but this time I ended up being tipsy. He paid for beers and shots, yet again. Prior to us going out for drinks, I was feeling off guard. A funny feeling you could say. However, it was fun being able to go out for some drinks and let loose. And I didn’t even have to pay for it. Considering I had been working my ass off in school non stop for four months, a little fun couldn’t hurt right?

I did however tell him about my working girl days and it seemed to be a turn on to him. I don’t know why I told him, maybe I knew deep down it didn’t mean anything. We ended up going back to Union Station where he works as a project manager to “hang out”. You can already guess where this one is going. We ended up fucking on a conference table at Union Station. He definitely had me hot and bothered but in the back of my mind it wasn’t what I wanted. But it takes two to tango and I went with it for the whole two minutes. Did I mention I was wearing pants that day. He starts to aggressively kiss me, calling me a “dirty girl,” and pushing me down to my knees to suck his cock.

“You like sucking that big cock don’t you”, he says as he pulls my hair, with his cock in my mouth, I look up and nod my head.

But in the back of my mind, I didn’t.

After a few minutes on my knees, he pulls me up, rips my shirt off and takes one of my boots and leg pant off. He fucked me fully clothed before I could put a condom on, yelling “oh fuck baby, I love your tight pussy baby”, then came inside of me and instantly began to get dressed.

As soon as I went to the bathroom, I felt ashamed. Why? In that moment I couldn’t tell you why. I am usually up for the thrill for a story. But this time felt very different. He treated me like an escort and I didn’t even get paid for it. He ended up leaving again right away. I didn’t hear from him for days. Which was to be expected.

We ended up bumping into one another again at Union Station on my way to class and he asked me out for drinks. This time I paid… Which was stupid on my part. This time I was a bit more than tipsy. Bumping into him threw me off. I had a bad feeling but for some reason I still went. Maybe it was my low self esteem or maybe I was lonely.

We ended up going back to his office where I had mentioned to him that it seems that he is only bringing me to his office to fuck me again. Which was exactly the case. But me being more than a few drinks in and him sweet talking me, by grabbing my hips, kissing my neck really softly, and lightly touching my pussy, I gave in. He even asked if I wanted to have sex… after we were already undressed and I had deepthroat his cock. At that point I didn’t care. You could say I lost some of my self respect. We ended up fucking all over the conference room. When he asked me “baby can I cum in you”, the mood seemed to change. I also dislike being called baby by men who is not my lover, I’m not his baby. He then bent me over the conference table and began to drill me from behind briefly and didn’t end up coming. Neither did I. Both times I had slept with him I did not have an orgasm. So not worth it.

Right after he “had to go” but decided to take the same train as me to stay at his parents. But while we were on the train, I had a feeling something was wrong but I just kept ignoring it. (Don’t ever ignore your intuition). When he went to get off the train, he said “I’ll text you later baby”. Ya right. Which I was right. He never messaged me. I ended up calling my best friend bawling, telling her how I felt ashamed. She told me, maybe it is my intuition trying to tell me something. A day or two later I was thinking about how I didn’t even know his last name like the Carrie Underwood song. Going back into my phone records, I noticed he had called me back when we first met which showed his last name. I decided to look him up to find out he had a wife and kids back home…

Yup you heard it right. I got fooled yet again by another pretty face. It’s not like it hurt as in I had feelings for him but it hurt to know that he has a family at home and I was so naïve to not even acknowledge the signs. Let me tell you that this whole situation hit me hard. Harder than any other dick sand I had fallen into. I felt I lost myself briefly to this guy who I barely knew. I didn’t know how to react, how to feel, or what to do. Do I confront him? Do I tell her? What am I supposed to do? My friends say I should have messaged his wife, but I feel that is going to do no good, it will just cause a whole new problem. But then again, she is being cheated on by “the love of her life” and may not even know it. I mean I would want to know but then again, having some random woman messaging you won’t make the situation any easier.

I ended up telling my aunt about what had happened because it began to bother me in what I should do, and her advice was just what I needed. My aunt is very straight forward and won’t sugar coat the issue. I decided not to message the woman, I do not know her, her situation nor do I know what I’d be setting myself up for. It could either put me in danger or blow up in my face. So to save face, I just brushed it off, learned my lesson and moved on.