I know I am here building an even better life for myself, but this has been the hardest part of my journey, looking inwards at my insecurities and flaws. I am trying to stay humble and appreciate the journey. However, being vulnerable and showing my insecurities is harder than talking about the bad things I’ve been through. I wear my heart on my sleeve which usually leads to heartbreak in my case. I’ve allowed my fears to manifest themselves and control my life. My fears have held me back from amazing opportunities and love.

I not only daydream about falling in love, I also dreamt about hosting my own music festival one day. I want to host a music festival that helps undiscovered talent, become discovered. A festival that brings all different kinds of people together to share the one thing we all have in common; Our LOVE for music. Then someday, I will put myself on my own stage. I have held onto this dream for a very long time and its one of the things that got me through the dark times. My dreams are the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was once told by someone on a dating app, “Following your dreams is very important, I’m sure you will get what you’re chasing, just life will test you to make sure you want something bad enough”. It’s funny how I get life advice from a complete stranger on a dating app and it hits me right in the heartstrings. I really want to make my dreams come true, to host a big music festival and share my success with my friends, family and my lover. But some days I get discouraged and those dreams seem further away than I thought I was. However, my mom did not raise me to be a quitter, I must do the things that scare me in order to make my dreams come true.

My mom would always say to me, “Never give up on what you’ve started, stay focused on what you really want and all the hard work will pay off someday.” So that is exactly what I set out to do.

A smooth sea never set out for a skilled sailor. – Unknown

Am I Worthy of Your Love?

For as long as I can remember, I have always wondered if true love was real. I would daydream about the person I’d fall in love with, during class. I’d gaze out the window, wondering what they would be like. Would they be tall? Short? Would they feel the same sparks that I do? Will they be passionate? Will they know when to kiss me without saying so? Will they still love me in 40 years when I’m older with grey hair? Would they bring me flowers, just because he/she/they were thinking of me? Would we want the same things in life? But now the bigger question I’d have, could they accept my past?

True love is a strong and lasting affection between spouses or lovers who are in a happy, passionate and fulfilling relationship.

Unfortunately, I have my own self-esteem issues. It’s like, I feel that I am unworthy of love so I will push away any potential lovers by causing issues within the relationship that are not actually there. I come up with the worst case scenarios or expect the worst of my potential suitor. If I felt like they were going to leave me, I would double-down and become clingy. Losing myself trying to keep the person only to push them away in the process. In other past relationships, they couldn’t accept me for who I am at face value and when I would open up about my past or start to let my walls down, they leave. “I’m too hyper or too outgoing.” “I’m too intense” ” I’m showing too much emotion or not enough.” “I can’t be with someone who was a sex worker” or ” Want to get back into the game and I’ll be your pimp.” It felt like a never ending roller coaster of shame, loneliness and guilt.

No one but myself can change my self-esteem problems, abandonment issues and my actions. I have become aware of my wrongdoings to others and most importantly, the wrongdoings to myself. I carried so much shame from becoming an escort, dabbling in drugs, using peers to my own advantage, and the circus of men to just not knowing what the hell I am doing. But does anybody really know what they are doing?

The parade of men that I’ve let into my body must come to an end. Maybe writing about it will help me discover how.

I’ve always felt I wasn’t good enough, even before I left for college. It’s like I have this other voice in my head that whispers negativity into my ear. “You are not good enough.” “No one will love you.” “You are unworthy.” It’s as though my inner voice is saying the truth. Some days I can drown the whispers and other days the whispers become screaming. The voices become so loud that I wish I could escape my own mind. I always question why? Why me? I am a positive person, but am I really? Or is that just one of the masks I wear? Maybe I mask my insecurity with humor?

The game also took a toll on my self-esteem. I gained weight during my first year at college, clients could tell and they were vocal about it. ” You’re not thin enough, curvy enough, or too curvy.” “You’re not blonde enough or brunette enough.” “You look too innocent or not innocent enough.” As I tried to conform to all of the needs of these people, I began to lose myself. That is when I decided it was time to leave the game. It wasn’t until I finally started to form healthy friendships that showed me that I am enough and led me to my lover who shows me that I am Worthy.

They say, “You must love yourself before you can love someone else.” But what if, the love from your friends and lover is what you needed to learn to love yourself? What if they show you how to love yourself and the parts you hate. Can’t we be broken and still love?