There are many things
I feel I can't say
in the fear
I will push you away
knowing the pain
we have been through
I still hold back
cause I feel for you
tell me I'm wrong
and you're just scared
cause what you feel
is really there
Tag: book-review
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You were thunder in red bottom high heels
long black hair like midnight silk
a heart stitched with gold and grit
spilling over with love
even when your body achedLatina spice with designer dreams
you made the world your runway
a mother, a muse
with two bright sons and a gentle man
who held your hand through the stormWe met where the shadows dance
and stories stay locked in whispersYou took me under your wing
like you’d been born to fly
and teach others how to soar tooyou were the light
guiding me through the dark
No one will ever knowwhat was hidden underneath it all
but I carry it like a secret flame
a force to be reckoned with
To know you was to ache
to crave more of youlike getting a taste of a forbidden fruit
to be forever marked
by the depth of your spirit.Even sick, you burned brighter
than most do in their healthiest hour.And today on this special day
we celebrate the miracle of your existence
the legacy of your love
the fire you left behind
that still warms our broken hearts.Happy birthday, Linda
You were one of a kind
And I’ll never stop loving you
for all the lives you lived -
I know I am here building an even better life for myself, but this has been the hardest part of my journey, looking inwards at my insecurities and flaws. I am trying to stay humble and appreciate the journey. However, being vulnerable and showing my insecurities is harder than talking about the bad things I’ve been through. I wear my heart on my sleeve which usually leads to heartbreak in my case. I’ve allowed my fears to manifest themselves and control my life. My fears have held me back from amazing opportunities and love.
I not only daydream about falling in love, I also dreamt about hosting my own music festival one day. I want to host a music festival that helps undiscovered talent, become discovered. A festival that brings all different kinds of people together to share the one thing we all have in common; Our LOVE for music. Then someday, I will put myself on my own stage. I have held onto this dream for a very long time and its one of the things that got me through the dark times. My dreams are the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was once told by someone on a dating app, “Following your dreams is very important, I’m sure you will get what you’re chasing, just life will test you to make sure you want something bad enough”. It’s funny how I get life advice from a complete stranger on a dating app and it hits me right in the heartstrings. I really want to make my dreams come true, to host a big music festival and share my success with my friends, family and my lover. But some days I get discouraged and those dreams seem further away than I thought I was. However, my mom did not raise me to be a quitter, I must do the things that scare me in order to make my dreams come true.
My mom would always say to me, “Never give up on what you’ve started, stay focused on what you really want and all the hard work will pay off someday.” So that is exactly what I set out to do.
A smooth sea never set out for a skilled sailor. – Unknown
Am I Worthy of Your Love?
For as long as I can remember, I have always wondered if true love was real. I would daydream about the person I’d fall in love with, during class. I’d gaze out the window, wondering what they would be like. Would they be tall? Short? Would they feel the same sparks that I do? Will they be passionate? Will they know when to kiss me without saying so? Will they still love me in 40 years when I’m older with grey hair? Would they bring me flowers, just because he/she/they were thinking of me? Would we want the same things in life? But now the bigger question I’d have, could they accept my past?
True love is a strong and lasting affection between spouses or lovers who are in a happy, passionate and fulfilling relationship.
Unfortunately, I have my own self-esteem issues. It’s like, I feel that I am unworthy of love so I will push away any potential lovers by causing issues within the relationship that are not actually there. I come up with the worst case scenarios or expect the worst of my potential suitor. If I felt like they were going to leave me, I would double-down and become clingy. Losing myself trying to keep the person only to push them away in the process. In other past relationships, they couldn’t accept me for who I am at face value and when I would open up about my past or start to let my walls down, they leave. “I’m too hyper or too outgoing.” “I’m too intense” ” I’m showing too much emotion or not enough.” “I can’t be with someone who was a sex worker” or ” Want to get back into the game and I’ll be your pimp.” It felt like a never ending roller coaster of shame, loneliness and guilt.
No one but myself can change my self-esteem problems, abandonment issues and my actions. I have become aware of my wrongdoings to others and most importantly, the wrongdoings to myself. I carried so much shame from becoming an escort, dabbling in drugs, using peers to my own advantage, and the circus of men to just not knowing what the hell I am doing. But does anybody really know what they are doing?
The parade of men that I’ve let into my body must come to an end. Maybe writing about it will help me discover how.
I’ve always felt I wasn’t good enough, even before I left for college. It’s like I have this other voice in my head that whispers negativity into my ear. “You are not good enough.” “No one will love you.” “You are unworthy.” It’s as though my inner voice is saying the truth. Some days I can drown the whispers and other days the whispers become screaming. The voices become so loud that I wish I could escape my own mind. I always question why? Why me? I am a positive person, but am I really? Or is that just one of the masks I wear? Maybe I mask my insecurity with humor?
The game also took a toll on my self-esteem. I gained weight during my first year at college, clients could tell and they were vocal about it. ” You’re not thin enough, curvy enough, or too curvy.” “You’re not blonde enough or brunette enough.” “You look too innocent or not innocent enough.” As I tried to conform to all of the needs of these people, I began to lose myself. That is when I decided it was time to leave the game. It wasn’t until I finally started to form healthy friendships that showed me that I am enough and led me to my lover who shows me that I am Worthy.
They say, “You must love yourself before you can love someone else.” But what if, the love from your friends and lover is what you needed to learn to love yourself? What if they show you how to love yourself and the parts you hate. Can’t we be broken and still love?
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At the Condo where all the girls worked out of, I was oblivious to what the other girls were up too, which kept me out of trouble for the most part. Most days, I would be sitting on the living room floor with my books spread out on the carpet while I studied in between clients. Other days, I would be napping on the couch. During my first year, I didn’t spend much time at my apartment. I was either at school all day or at the Condo all night. I just wanted to have a “normal” college experience like the other girls in school while being able to pay my bills.
Outside of the condo, my world was lonely. I was either studying, in class or going to work. In the beginning I didn’t have time for a social life. But I was craving for some form of normalcy and not sure where to start. It wasn’t until I met my first college boyfriend, Spencer. Spencer was twenty three, tall with dark hair, blue eyes, quiet, awkwardly cute and in school to become a Police Officer. When I had met Spencer I was with my friend Aria at the time, and he was with two of his best friends in line at the college bookstore . Once we had locked eyes, he held my gaze long enough for him to come over to ask me out on a date. Without hesitating, I said yes, not thinking about the fact that I was still an escort and still had to work that evening.
On our first date, it started out by Spencer meeting me after class in the student parking lot to drive us downtown. Luckily, I had kept a LBD (Little Black Dress) and black heels in my backpack from work for the occasion. It was either the LBD or scrubs. Spencer was wearing a sweatshirt, with a t-shirt and blue jeans. So I may have been a little overdressed. We had dinner in the Byward market following a beautiful stroll through the trails behind Parliament Hill, where we talked to get to know one another. I was having such a wonderful evening until Spencer had asked me, “So what do you do in your spare time outside of school?” For a moment, I was speechless and it was like my heart fell into my stomach. Before I made the silence become too awkward, I responded with, “I babysit for a friend.” Not the best of lies, but I didn’t know what else to say, he would respond with another question about who I babysat for and I would come up with another lie after lie. Before I knew it, I was in a spider web of my own lies. I felt I couldn’t tell Spencer what I was actually doing outside of school nor could I tell him after all the lies I had spun. I was scared that if I had told him the truth that he would run for the hills and let’s not forget, he was also going to school to be a cop. But with the constant feeling of being alone and wanting some normalcy, I played along with the chaos I had created.
As the evening came to an end, Spencer drove me back to my apartment building, walked me to my door and as he kissed my cheek goodbye, I asked him, “Would you like to come in?” The kiss from my cheek went to my lips, pushing the door open behind me, making our way to my couch as we were taking each other’s clothes off. Next minute, I’m straddling Spencer while making out with him until I said, “We need to stop, I think we’re going too fast,” as I start to get off of Spencer and begin to redress myself. Spencer responded with, “is everything okay?” “Yes everything is okay, I just want to wait until I’m in a relationship before I have sex.” I said. I had said that to Spencer because I wanted some form of control, maybe because I felt my life was out of control. At that moment, Spencer stood up from the couch in his boxers and asked me, “would you be my girlfriend?” I said, “Yes!” Without evening thinking, yet again.
I took Spencer by the hand, walked him to my bed and began to undress myself, again. I had Spencer lay down on the bed, put the condom on and I began to ride his cock. Spencer instantly began to moan loudly, shallow breathing, pressing his fingers into my hips and said, “I’m going to cum, I’m going to cum.” “No, no, no, not yet,” I responded just as Spencer orgasmed letting out a loud groan and said, “I’m so sorry, but that felt amazing.” Unsatisfied, I got off of Spencer, I handed him his pants and I had put a robe on. Spencer got up to use the washroom and while he was in there I was beginning to regret what I had just got myself into while trying to hold the tears back. Spencer had come out of the bathroom saying, “Well I should get going, I have an early class tomorrow and I have a long drive home.” For some reason, I was relieved. I walked him to the door and as he kissed me goodbye, he said, “See you at school tomorrow, girlfriend.” I felt sick to my stomach.
Closing the door behind him, I walked back to my room taking my robe off, I laid on my bed and began to touch myself sensually. I wasn’t thinking of Spencer either, I was thinking about my next shift at the condo and the money I was going to make. As I played with my breasts and rubbed my clitoris, the thoughts of the empowerment I got as an escort brought me to a satisfying orgasm.
Now I know it was unorthodox to have a boyfriend while I was an escort, however, at the time I was trying to fill a void inside of me and I thought Spencer was the answer. Spencer may have wondered how I paid for things all the time if I was just babysitting but rarely questioned me beyond that. We didn’t know each other well and rushed into a relationship. I don’t know why I thought I could have a “normal” relationship with him when I knew the relationship started on a lie. It was selfish of me at the time, however, I was a young woman who made mistakes.
The Condo
As time went on, every day except for Sunday’s I was working at the condo and attending school in between. I was lying to my family and friends at school as well as my new “boyfriend” Spencer. The more clients I had and money I was making, the more lies I spun. It also put a target on my back by other working girls. It also didn’t help that our driver, Damien, would sleep with every girl that worked at the condo. Except for those who are not into scrawny, arrogant and misogynistic men. Not only was Damien married, he would try to pursue me while he was engaging in a romantic relationship with another working girl, Samantha. I would always turn down Damien’s advances, but he would swear up and down that one day I was going to give in and fuck him in his tiny sports car.
When there are six or more other girls working and only two rooms to use, other girls tend to get jealous of those who are getting “calls” back to back. When all the girls are making money, everyone is happy but when work is dry, girls get bitchy. During the week I would work mostly with Rain, Bella, Samantha, Cherry, and Destiny. On the weekends there would usually be more girls because weekends usually were busier. Sometimes, women from Montreal and Toronto would be working at the condo as well. Weekends I worked with Cherry, Rain, Bella, Alice, Samantha, Destiny, Paige, Harmony and of course Damien would be there when he wasn’t driving girls to their outcalls. We had a full house, with clients coming and going every hour. I would be so busy at times that I wouldn’t even have enough time to eat or fix my makeup. I would finish up with one Jon and I would have a line up of others waiting in the building lobby until it was their turn.
I was also developing a close relationship to Bella, Cherry and Rain. The four of us would always try to work on the same days and we would get ready together in the Master bedroom. Working girls like Samantha would gossip to her “bestie” Alice and Paige, and giggle in the corner like school girls over Damien. Samantha loved patronizing other girls, especially those she deemed to be her competition. Samantha never took a liking to me. In fact, it felt like she had this urge to sabotage me as Kendra and Annabelle. I never understood why she would set out to undermine me, she didn’t even know me. Unfortunately, I was not her only victim.
The House Mother
Rain was Native Canadian, 5’10 with long, black luscious locks, dark brown eyes and pouty lips. She was Forty years old who had perky double D boobs with hourglass hips and tanned skin. Her bright smile and perfect teeth could literally light up a room. She had an outgoing personality with a contagious laugh. Rain was the woman who ran the Condo, she had been an Escort for four years, the same as Bella. Not only did she pay for the Condo, she also would take our photos, run our website and make sure us girls stayed in line. Rain and Bella were thick as thieves.
In her personal life, Rain worked for the government and had kids back home part time. Bella and Rain would get their kids together on their days off…when they had days off. The weeks she didn’t have her kids, she practically lived at the condo to not only work but to also make sure the girls didn’t burn the place down or be raided by the SWAT team. When Rain wasn’t with a client or at her other job, she would be on her laptop working, running errands, or helping one of the girls while taking phone calls. Rain was a very busy woman leading the epitome of a double life and she held it all together so well. Well enough that I was in awe of her…
The Home Wrecker
Samantha was from Ottawa, 5’8 with long bright pink hair, ocean blue eyes and a smile that resembled Miley Cyrus’. She was nineteen years old and had fake double D boobs, an obvious spray tan, with a flat tummy and a tiny perky butt. Her looks alone would have men swooning over her, however, her squeaky, loud voice and a narcissistic personality would detour men away… So you’d think, men loved her, they would bring her gifts all the time, so she’d say and she was friends with Alice, Harmony, Paige and Cherry.
Samantha loved talking about herself and being the center of attention. She would always be boasting about her “fabulous” life with her boyfriend living in his parents basement. She would also go on about how perfect her body was and how she will never need to get work done. However, it was clear that she had work done on her boobs. Normally, I would just leave the room when Samantha would start talking about herself.
When Samantha was not the center of attention she complained about anything and everything.. “I am having such a horrible day, my boyfriend didn’t want to pay for my new tattoo,” she would say as she was coming into work. Or she would say things like, “OMG, why is Destiny getting another call, I’m hotter he should have picked me.”
One of the rules of the condo is; to not be seen by other girls’ clients. Samantha would break that rule everytime by standing near the door so the clients would see her as they left. She would say things to the clients like, “Hey there, you like what you see?” “You should fuck me next time, I’ll show you a way better time than the last girl.” Actions like that would piss us girls off and Bella was one to never hold back. “Who the fuck do you think you are, poaching other girls’ clients?” Bella would say to Samantha. “Oh I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to do that,” Samantha said. She knew better but would act ditzy when being confronted.
Samantha would work four or five days a week and every time she would come into work, she would always have some tragic story that had happened to her to explain away her behavior or for the attention. One story that sticks out was the time she came into work “crying”, telling all the girls including Lisa, “I got pregnant by a client!” Alice, Cherry, Rain, Paige and Harmony ran to her saying, “OMG are you alright?” “What are you going to do?” Lisa had even called Samantha saying that she will help her raise the baby because it’s a part of the PK family now…For the rest of the night Samantha had the girls’ attention while Bella and I kept our distance. Bella and I didn’t believe her story, considering she goes on about her bb (bare back) sex with her younger boyfriend.
A few weeks had passed, Samantha showed no signs of being pregnant nor brought it up since. So Bella decided to call her out on it. “Hey Samantha, how is the pregnancy going? How far along are you now?” Bella said to Samantha. “Oh I lost the baby yesterday,” Samantha replied. As Bella rolled her eyes, she snarked back, “Oh well that sucks, at least you didn’t get pregnant by a client.” You could tell Bella could see right through Samantha’s lies, however, Bella didn’t feel like entertaining the situation and walked away while flipping her hair off her shoulder. Samantha did not like being called out by Bella so she started to act out by crying and lying to the other girls that Bella was bullying her.
Though Bella had a reputation for being cold towards the other girls and known for having a disapproving attitude, Bella was no bully to Samantha. Bella was very forward with her feelings, especially if she didn’t like you or if she felt you were lying. A few more days had gone by and tension at the condo grew insufferable amongst the girls. With Bella and Samantha fighting, Damien berating me with sexual advances, and non stop clients six days a week, I was falling behind in school. The girls started to take sides and cliques began to form, the Condo was never the same after that.
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As the summer before college was coming to an end I was becoming anxious about moving out on my own. Not because I was afraid of being alone in a big city; I was worried about how I was going to pay for my bills. Where would I get a job? Would my employer be flexible with my school schedule? How am I going to work and still go to school for eight in the morning until at least seven or eight at night? Do I really want to work at Mcdonald’s again? My parents would also ask me the same questions everyday and try to convince me to go to community college. “It would be cheaper and you can live at home,” They would say. But over my dead body, I was going to stay in my hometown and go to Community College, so I started to stress out.
With moving day looming around the corner, I had saved just enough money to make the move to Ottawa, to pay the deposit plus first and last month’s rent. I had just enough money left over to buy a week’s worth of groceries. That was still not enough but it was a start.
Sitting out back with my family behind my parents’ apartment building, a woman in a red Massarotti drives in the back to park. She had long dark hair, styled like Betty Page’s, with big brown eyes and she smelled like Chanel #5. As she got out of her car to walk over to us in her Louboutin heels and black little dress, my dad shouts, “What is a woman like you driving a car like that in the ghetto?” She giggled as she approached us. “I’m Lucy, I just moved into the building. As for the car, my Sugar Daddy bought it for me,” she said. “SUGAR DADDY? What the hell is a Sugar Daddy?” My dad yelled while laughing.
Sugar Daddy; A rich older man who lavishes gifts on a young woman in return for her company or sexual services.
Lucy pulled out a chair and sat at the table with us before answering my dad’s question. “Anyone have a beer?” Lucy asked. Immediately my dad, uncle and cousin all handed her a beer.
As Lucy took a swig of her beer, she said, “I’m an Escort and my Sugar Daddy takes care of me.” Everyone at the table just stared at Lucy in disbelief. My dad on the other hand shouts, “WELL HOLY SHIT, GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!”
Escort; An escort gives companionship and time to the client. There may or may not be any sex involved.
Lucy ended up sitting with us for a couple of hours swapping stories and shooting the shit. Later when I went inside to grab everyone more beer, Lucy came into the building behind me. Turns out, she was living across the hall from me. Too nervous to ask her anything, I quietly went back outside with the beer.
Later that night when I was in my room, I watched a movie that was airing on cable TV called “Walking the Halls.” It’s a movie about a girl who graduated high school, wanting to go to an Ivy league University, however her parents couldn’t afford it. Similar to what I was going through. However, the girl decided to become an Escort to pay for school. Falling asleep right after the movie, I had forgotten all about it.
With only a week left until I moved, my parents were really on my case about how I was going to pay for rent and food while at school. One morning I was getting ready to head to my last day of work at Mcdonald’s. My parents and I were fighting and yelling cause I had no idea what I was going to do, I just knew I didn’t want to be in Kingston anymore. As I slammed the door behind me while still yelling at my parents, there stood Lucy in front of her door across the hall. “Can I give you a ride to work,” she asked. “Sure, that would be great, sorry if you heard us yelling,” I responded. Lucy didn’t seem phased by it as she walked in front of me to her car. I had never been in a sports car before until that moment.
During the ride to my work, Lucy had mentioned that she had overheard the fight with my parents and that I’m going to be financially strapped when I move. She had also mentioned that I too could get into her profession to pay my way through college. THAT’S IT! It was like a light bulb went off in my head. It was kind of like a sign. So the next time my parents asked what I was going to do, I told them not to worry and that I had it covered. I told them, a friend from Military Band Camp lived in Ottawa and could help me get a job there. This was the moment where I made my first lie about the double life I was about to lead. At least it got them off my back for the moment.
Innocence 