Innocence

It was a cold winter day, a week before Christmas break. I had skipped class for the first time to meet up with my then boyfriend, Cody. I would of had second period, however, Cody’s parents wouldn’t be home so he thought it would be perfect for us. 

We had only been dating for two weeks and before that, Cody had another girlfriend, Billy. Before that, he had been with two other girls. Cody was only two years older than me, in his Senior year, with the sexual appetite like Mr.Grey. Cody was taller than me, athletic build with washboard abs, and dark blonde hair with a military haircut. He had the lightest blue eyes that you could get lost in. Stare into his eyes for too long and you may just lose yourself in them. 

The night before, I had shaved my vagina for the first time because three weeks prior , Cody had told me I was hairy and needed to do something about it. Cadets had finished for the evening and Cody had asked me if I wanted a ride home. Then he was with Billy. But I couldn’t resist. Before dropping me off, Cody had parked his car a few blocks from my place. I had only kissed one other person in like the 8th grade so I didn’t really know what was going on. Cody unbuckled his seat belt then reached over to unbuckle mine. My first thought was, why does he have no scent? Usually guys smell good or wear some form of perfume. Their own scent girls can’t get over and want to steal your sweater because it smells like them; kind of scent. However, Cody was allergic to perfumes and many other things, so I don’t think I’d be stealing any of his sweaters anytime soon. 

Just as Cody took my seat belt off, he intensely kissed me. I was stunned and before I could say anything, he was kissing me again. I felt my vagina get warm and tingle as I leaned into him more, kissing him back. He caressed the side of my face to my breasts. I could feel myself getting turned on and my panties wet. I had never experienced that feeling before and it felt good. As Cody’s hand worked its way from my breasts to my belt, I stopped him and said, “Wait! What about Billy? Isn’t she your girlfriend?” He responded back, “Yes, but I’m leaving her, I want you.” As he began to unbuckle my belt and kiss my neck, I couldn’t resist though I knew it was wrong. His lips went from kissing my neck making their way back to my lips. Kissing me intensely as his fingers slid under my panties. Touching me, sliding his fingers back and forth on my wet clit. When his lips left mine, I had let out multiple moans telling him not to stop. “Keep going, Oh Oh OoooH, I think I’m going to cum”, I moaned. He whispers in my ear, “Cum for me, cum on my fingers”, and so I did. As I grasped onto his shoulders, thrusting my hips more onto his fingers, the sensation was intense, I could see stars in my eyes and then I had my first orgasm. 

Panting, I rested my head on his shoulder as he took his hand out of my panties and I began to buckle up my pants. I sat back into the passenger seat all flushed, trying to process the orgasm I just had and then I remembered that he still had a girlfriend. Cody looked over at me and asked, “So how did that feel?” I blurted out, “Amazing!”, with a huge smile and blushed cheeks. 

Before I could even ask the question, “So what is this?” Cody stated that he had a suggestion for me, if I could shave before we had sex. I blurted out, “What about Billy?” He responded, “I’m going to break up with her at school tomorrow.” Was that supposed to make me feel good? That he was choosing me? Cause if so, I felt the complete opposite. I felt sick to my stomach, I had become The Other Woman before I even lost my virginity. But he was so good looking, he wanted me, and that orgasm… 

Driving the few blocks to my house was pretty quiet, Cody pulled over a few houses down so my parents didn’t see me getting out of a boys car. Before I got out, Cody leaned over, kissed me on the cheek and said he’d come see me after school the next day. 

The next day, Cody called me after fourth period to tell me he was not far from my school and wanted to come pick me up so we could talk. I could feel my stomach sink and my mind race. What did he want to talk about? Did he break up with Billy? Did he change his mind or did he tell her that he cheated on her with me? So many thoughts were running through my mind while I waited for Cody to pick me up. As Cody drove up to the front of my school, my heart began to race, I could feel myself sweating but I also felt a little turned on. Thinking about the night before was making me flushed in the chest. I had to tell myself to take deep breaths before I got into the car. As I got into the car, before I could put my seatbelt on, Cody gently grabbed both sides of my face and kissed me like they do in the movies. I could feel that warm tingle again. For a moment, I forgot about everything. 

As Cody pulls away he says, “I broke up with Billy today”, “oh, are you okay?” I responded back. “Ya, it wasn’t working out anyways, besides I want to be with you”, he said. I had that stunned look on my face again. Why am I so awkward? I kept thinking. Cody giggled at my facial expression, started driving and said he was going to take us somewhere private. Cody pulled into an empty parking lot behind the YMCA, unbuckled his seatbelt and told me to get into the back seat with him. Staring into his eyes, wondering why he wanted me, Cody stared back into mine and asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. “Yes, yes I will be your girlfriend,” I gleefully said. Cody had a grin from ear to ear, moving closer to me he placed his hand softly behind my neck while gripping some of my hair. He looked deep into my eyes then kissed me passionately.  We began to makeout intensely, caressing each other’s bodies. Cody’s hands began caressing my breasts, working his hands down to my hips where he picked me up to straddle him. I could instantly feel his hard boner as I thrusted my hips into him, kissing him deeply. It was so hot my panties were soaked. As Cody started to kiss my neck, he lightly bit my ear and gave me this tingling sensation and shivers all over my body. He could feel I was turned on, his hands on my hips thrusting me into his boner more while gently moving his lips from my neck down my collar bone to my breasts. OMG. It felt so good. Too good. As Cody started to unbutton my blouse, moving my bra over to lightly suck my nipples. I had let out a moan, thrusting into him deeper while running my fingers through his hair. 

Then it hit me! “Wait!! Stop!! I’m a virgin!!” I yelled. I pulled away as I began to blush and feared I had ruined the mood. Cody smiled while giggling, saying he knew I was a virgin. How?! My unshaved vagina gave it away. He seemed to be more turned on by the thought of me never having sex before; his hands were running all over my body while thrusting into me. We continued to make out as I dry humped his hard boner. We weren’t even having sex and the windows were all fogged up as if we were. It was so steamy, reminiscing about it turns me on. 

The rush of young love, the intensity you feel towards one another, exploring each other’s bodies for the first time, and finding secret places to explore each other sexually without the interruption of parents. Ya… It was fucking hot, like Fifty Shades of Grey hot with more nudity. 

However, we didn’t have sex that night. I told Cody I wanted to wait and so he did…. For two weeks. Which brings you back to where we started. The day I lost my virginity. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t ready for my first time. I wanted to wait till I was at least in love or married. I wore a purity ring for christ sakes! But that was not how Cody rolled.. He didn’t want to wait any longer, insinuating that he would leave and that he doesn’t not not have sex in a relationship. I remember feeling worried that he would break up with me. My first relationship ever and I get dumped two weeks later? Every girl’s worst nightmare. 

Cody had picked me up at school after first period to drive me over to his place, which was out of town. I had never been more nervous in my life. I didn’t know what to expect, except for what I’ve seen in movies or porn. I was pretty quiet for most of the drive. I was wearing my winter boots and jacket over my white lace dress. With a white bra and panties to match. I had decided to curl my hair and wear red lipstick. I thought white was fitting for the occasion… 😉 

As we pulled up to his big country house, with a swimming pool, hot tub and fifty acres of land; my heart began to race. Once Cody parked the car, he got out first and came over to open my door for me. He takes my hand to guide me, at first I thought we were going into the house, but instead we were headed to the garage. Cody opens the door, we walk in and there’s a mattress on the floor, a sex playlist on the stereo, candles lit and lube on the bed. It wasn’t my first wish to have sex for my first time in a garage but it’s not like I was going to tell him and hurt his feelings. He said it was so we could have more privacy in case I’m loud or his parents come home early. So I went along with it. 

Cody takes my coat off and walks me over to the mattress on the floor and tells me to just relax. I stayed quiet thinking he must know what he’s doing considering he’s been with three other girls before me. As he begins to kiss my neck from behind and unzipping my dress I couldn’t help but think about the other girls he has probably done this for. I thought my first time would be special and I’d feel special. With my dress falling to the floor, I could feel Cody’s hands running all over my body while taking my bra off. He begins to french kiss me while running his hand down my panties and began to rub my clit. I moaned. His kisses made their way to my breasts, lightly licking and sucking my nipples. God I love my nipples and breasts being played with, something I didn’t know until that moment. 

I started taking Cody’s belt off, unbuckling his pants, letting them drop to the floor. He stopped rubbing my clit for a moment to take his shirt off. Ugh he was so hot, the abs and bubble butt ass. He took my hand and grabbed his cock between his boxers then whispered in my ear, “My cock is so hard, I want you.” I had never seen a penis before nor had I touched one, but it sure turned me on. As I lay on my back, Cody gets on top of me to kiss me, then my neck to my breasts. I lightly moan as he continues to kiss down my body to my panties, he could even wait to take them off and he started licking my pussy right through my underwear. I moaned again and again until he ripped my panties off, spread my legs and started to lick my pussy more. I started to moan louder. It felt so good, I never thought I’d love a guy going down on me. He had spread my vagina lips apart to suck my clit even deeper and my screams of ecstasy got louder. Throwing my legs over his shoulder, my hands running through his hair, thrusting my pussy more into his face, he looks up at me with those big blue eyes, paused and said, “cum for me baby, cum all over my face,” as he continues to lick my wet pussy, I orgasmed in his mouth. When he came up for air, he french kissed me while saying my pussy tastes so good and that he loved that I took his advice; my vagina was hairless. Again, it wasn’t the most romantic setting, but at least he was trying, right? 

Cody took off his boxers, kissed me again and asked if I was ready; “uh huh,” I responded. He proceeded to put on a ONE branded condom and he begins to have sex with me, I cry out not in ectsy but pain. He whispers, “That’s your cherry popping.” I could feel tears running down the sides of my face as he kept going, letting out a loud moan as came inside the condom. That’s it? That’s what sex is? That fucking hurt, I thought to myself. Cody hands me a towel and directs me to the shower. I get into the shower to notice blood everywhere. I started to cry silently in the shower not sure if that was normal or not. Or if he noticed the blood too, I hoped not. 

Once I got out of the shower and got dressed, Cody said he would drive me back to school. The ride was once again quiet and it felt like the molding of his penis was inside my vagina. As I stared out the window, I felt different. Like I lost something. But I also felt sexy, like I was finally a woman in a way.

Growing up wasn’t all fun for me. I didn’t have many friends in school. A lot of kids never really liked me. I guess you could say I was socially awkward with bad acne and frizzy hair. Kids would call me names and make fun of my appearance. I just wanted to fit in, maybe I did things trying to fit in that was considered weird, or maybe its my lack of filter; saying anything that comes to mind without thinking through it beforehand.  Spazz. Gremlin. Pubic nose. Cadet Kelly. The list goes on. They would be so mean to me that when I would react back, it would backlash on me. Ignoring it was easier said than done. When it’s an everyday occurrence, in your face at school and on social media (did I mention that Facebook was created when I was in grade 8), constantly being put down and your teachers not even believing you; reacting was all I had. I remember when Facebook was made, a bunch of kids in my public school created a Facebook group called “The bathroom Wall” where they would write about how they wanted me to die and make fun of my appearance. Sadly, by reacting, I ended up always the one getting in trouble and being labeled “a bully” by my mom and teachers. Being bullied or being called a bully is never fun. Getting in trouble for reacting is worse. Not only that school sucked, especially when I love learning but being home sucked too. Being grounded to your room with no tv, radio or mp3 player taken, you are now left with your own thoughts. 

I wasn’t the greatest kid to my mom even though she is the reason why I am the successful woman that I am today.  These long nights became a beginning for my start into writing, and through its development I realized how cathartic writing is, and how much I loved writing in general. It is writing that allowed me to capture the essence of  my highs and lows, and keep a documented library of my crazy life. 

 Highschool on the other hand was a bit different. Most of the kids I went to public school ended up going to the public high schools, I on the other hand split for a Catholic private school (did I mention I use to wear a purity ring?). Still, didn’t get me far enough away from them, but it was a start. I wanted to go to this school not only because my cousin had gone but also because I knew the credentials were harder and there was a High Skills Major. I wanted to make sure if I had any chance at going to college out of my hometown, this would look good on my transcripts.  I still didn’t have many friends, but I did have two friends, on and off. The friends I did have that made my grade 10 year half decent, they were two years older than me and graduated that year. Putting me back to square one in grade 11.  

 Woman Hood            

          Grade 10 was when I had my first boyfriend and lost my virginity.(Bye, bye purity ring.) It all started after my first breakup. I was 17 and on the rebound, I’m not going to talk much about him only because it’s a relationship not worth talking about. In my final year of high school, splitting my time in a dual credit (Part-time college) situation. I went to my first college party with a bunch of new friends I met in my dual credit course. I was dedicated to getting out of high school and getting into college where the boys were hot and the beer was cold! It wasn’t until early that new year when I met Chad, he was 26. 

He was charming. 

Tall, sexy with blue eyes and blonde hair. 

I couldn’t help myself but I kept my cool; at least I think I did. To Chad’s knowledge I was in college. I couldn’t help myself, I played the part. Chad made arrangements to come pick me up the next day. 

My first time sleeping with an older man, was nothing I expected, I felt this is what made me into a woman; sexually. Lit candles, Red-Hot Chili Peppers playlist, and the faint smell of old spice. He was sweet, but things were going pretty fast. I was so nervous, I was afraid he would know that I wasn’t that experienced at sex and that he would catch on how old I actually was. Instead, I seemed to rock his world. He started by kissing my neck, to kissing my lips then picking me up and straddling me. I could feel his hard, big, cock. He had thrown me onto the bed, kissing my belly while tearing my dress and panties off. He began eating me out to orgasm. As he crawled up into the missionary position, slipping on a condom and he started fucking me deep and hard. Flipping me on top of him, he pushes his fingers into my hips, grinding on him till we both cum.

Chad never once went on a date with me. It was all strictly sex and he never called me by my name only the first initial, E like the drug. His reasoning was, so he didn’t mess up other girls names. For the first few months sleeping with him I was fine – regardless of however unhealthy the relationship was because I had my own secrets. My 18th birthday came around, I just had my top wisdom teeth taken out. It was awful. A friend from my college class took me out to the movies. Knowing I shouldn’t go out or do any physical activity. After the movie I was suppose to sleep over but instead I came up with some lame lie just so I could see Chad. That night, we had a hot bubble bath together. Shortly after headed to his room where he would light up his candles, press play on the Red Hots and fucked me doggy style. After we finished having sex, I go to use the washroom, to see there were many used condoms in his garbage. In that moment, I felt my stomach drop. Maybe, this wasn’t just sex for me. But I didn’t want to stop seeing him. So I pretended like it didn’t hurt. I was curious though, so i openly asked about the other girl(s). He was sleeping with multiple girls, possibly some the same age as me. He showed me some of the photos of girls sending him nudes. Probably thinking it would turn me on. But on the inside it was hurting me. Chad was an honest man (to my knowledge), I asked a question and he answered honestly. He always treated me well and with respect. 

Prom

      As spring came along, it was time to shop for prom. The excitement has hit me, I can’t wait to find the perfect dress… and a date. Can’t really bring Chad now can I. But somehow the excitement of prom got the best of me, I let it slip out. Chad asked me, isn’t prom for high school? I am in high school. He was more surprised than anything. It was unsettling. He wasn’t even mad that I basically lied to him about being underage when we met. It confirmed the feeling I was having about not being the only one. Prom night had finally arrived. With a hand-me-down dress from my cousin; which I loved but looked better on her. The hairdresser messed up my hair which caused me to take the frustration out on my mom; ended up going back to fix what little could with all the hairspray and I broke a nail polish bottle at the salon which costed more than the actual manicure. Not the best start to this wonderful day. Thankfully, my co-worker at McDonald’s agreed to be my date. My heels made me much taller than him; no complaints on the date though, considering I had no boyfriend or love interest, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Having someone from another school come as my prom date made me feel less alone; the outsider I felt I was. Prom was nothing like I had ever hoped. But it’s a memory I’ll hold onto forever, thanks to the most outspoken and funny prom date. We may have kissed, but I won’t tell.

After all of the dancing was over around, at a quarter to eleven, all the graduates were invited back to the after party, the school had provided yellow school busses for transportation (safety first guys). Beforehand, most pitched tents on this beautiful property with twinkle lights everywhere, guiding our trail, which went on forever and an enormous house with an underground pool, pool house, guest house and hot tub(s). Ryan, the Senior football quarter back was the one to host out in the country side. My last night as a senior was interesting. I had only had a drink or two, yet everyone else seemed to have been drinking long before me. Which lead to one of the popular guys, Kyle, whom might I mention had never really talked to me until that night, kissed me. Kyle was the obnoxious, good looking, class clown. My first initial reaction was, is this really happening and why? Right after he was called over by his other drunk friends and that was the end of that interaction. Not too long after, I was wondering around trying to find someone I’d actually hangout with, till I was pulled into a tent to play spin the bottle, but before I could even sit down I was already being kissed by yet another good looking  popular guy. Kevin, tall, dark skinned, muscular and senior running back. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Did someone spike the punch? Apparently not. I was not phased by either kiss. All I could think of, is that they had four years to get a chance and that I was over this after party. His reasoning was that he thought I was hot. I ended up calling Chad to come pick me up. While waiting for Chad, another guy on the football team, Troy, came over and kissed me with tongue. Troy was the same height as me, jet black hair, and his eyes looked like the ocean. He was always nice to everyone, always said hello to me in the halls, and sat beside me in World Religions class. Somehow that final kiss I had left me feeling good. Kissed three times at one after party, where I barely talked to anyone in my graduating class, somehow left me with a feeling that I belonged in that class. I had never hooked up with anyone from my school let alone make out with them until prom night. 

Just as the kiss ended, I wished it didn’t. For a moment I felt my age, and I wished that I could have experienced this moment before. Maybe things would have been different, maybe I wouldn’t have felt the need to go for an older guy that only saw me as a sex object. Sadly though, that was not the case. Before I could say anything to the guy who kissed me, he explained how he always wanted to do that and needed to that before the night ended. Just as I was going to make the next move, car lights glare on us. Honking the horn, there Chad was. He couldn’t have had better timing? 

Still in my prom dress, Chad took me back to his place. A 90′s cliché somewhere in there. We fucked like rabbits one last time. I had feelings for Chad but I always knew I could do better. I also couldn’t help but think about that final kiss. Wishing I hadn’t called Chad and left the after party. The next morning Chad had drove me home. The drive home felt different than usual, maybe because deep down I knew that this was it. This is the end with Chad. I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to leave the moment as is. 

I did however bump into Chad 4 years later when my grandma was on Palliative Care. He was working at the hospital and still looked sexy as ever. It was an odd encounter and still doesn’t call me by my first name. Go figure.