Growing up wasn’t all fun for me. I didn’t have many friends in school. A lot of kids never really liked me. I guess you could say I was socially awkward with bad acne and frizzy hair. Kids would call me names and make fun of my appearance. I just wanted to fit in, maybe I did things trying to fit in that was considered weird, or maybe its my lack of filter; saying anything that comes to mind without thinking through it beforehand.  Spazz. Gremlin. Pubic nose. Cadet Kelly. The list goes on. They would be so mean to me that when I would react back, it would backlash on me. Ignoring it was easier said than done. When it’s an everyday occurrence, in your face at school and on social media (did I mention that Facebook was created when I was in grade 8), constantly being put down and your teachers not even believing you; reacting was all I had. I remember when Facebook was made, a bunch of kids in my public school created a Facebook group called “The bathroom Wall” where they would write about how they wanted me to die and make fun of my appearance. Sadly, by reacting, I ended up always the one getting in trouble and being labeled “a bully” by my mom and teachers. Being bullied or being called a bully is never fun. Getting in trouble for reacting is worse. Not only that school sucked, especially when I love learning but being home sucked too. Being grounded to your room with no tv, radio or mp3 player taken, you are now left with your own thoughts. 

I wasn’t the greatest kid to my mom even though she is the reason why I am the successful woman that I am today.  These long nights became a beginning for my start into writing, and through its development I realized how cathartic writing is, and how much I loved writing in general. It is writing that allowed me to capture the essence of  my highs and lows, and keep a documented library of my crazy life. 

 Highschool on the other hand was a bit different. Most of the kids I went to public school ended up going to the public high schools, I on the other hand split for a Catholic private school (did I mention I use to wear a purity ring?). Still, didn’t get me far enough away from them, but it was a start. I wanted to go to this school not only because my cousin had gone but also because I knew the credentials were harder and there was a High Skills Major. I wanted to make sure if I had any chance at going to college out of my hometown, this would look good on my transcripts.  I still didn’t have many friends, but I did have two friends, on and off. The friends I did have that made my grade 10 year half decent, they were two years older than me and graduated that year. Putting me back to square one in grade 11.  

 Woman Hood            

          Grade 10 was when I had my first boyfriend and lost my virginity.(Bye, bye purity ring.) It all started after my first breakup. I was 17 and on the rebound, I’m not going to talk much about him only because it’s a relationship not worth talking about. In my final year of high school, splitting my time in a dual credit (Part-time college) situation. I went to my first college party with a bunch of new friends I met in my dual credit course. I was dedicated to getting out of high school and getting into college where the boys were hot and the beer was cold! It wasn’t until early that new year when I met Chad, he was 26. 

He was charming. 

Tall, sexy with blue eyes and blonde hair. 

I couldn’t help myself but I kept my cool; at least I think I did. To Chad’s knowledge I was in college. I couldn’t help myself, I played the part. Chad made arrangements to come pick me up the next day. 

My first time sleeping with an older man, was nothing I expected, I felt this is what made me into a woman; sexually. Lit candles, Red-Hot Chili Peppers playlist, and the faint smell of old spice. He was sweet, but things were going pretty fast. I was so nervous, I was afraid he would know that I wasn’t that experienced at sex and that he would catch on how old I actually was. Instead, I seemed to rock his world. He started by kissing my neck, to kissing my lips then picking me up and straddling me. I could feel his hard, big, cock. He had thrown me onto the bed, kissing my belly while tearing my dress and panties off. He began eating me out to orgasm. As he crawled up into the missionary position, slipping on a condom and he started fucking me deep and hard. Flipping me on top of him, he pushes his fingers into my hips, grinding on him till we both cum.

Chad never once went on a date with me. It was all strictly sex and he never called me by my name only the first initial, E like the drug. His reasoning was, so he didn’t mess up other girls names. For the first few months sleeping with him I was fine – regardless of however unhealthy the relationship was because I had my own secrets. My 18th birthday came around, I just had my top wisdom teeth taken out. It was awful. A friend from my college class took me out to the movies. Knowing I shouldn’t go out or do any physical activity. After the movie I was suppose to sleep over but instead I came up with some lame lie just so I could see Chad. That night, we had a hot bubble bath together. Shortly after headed to his room where he would light up his candles, press play on the Red Hots and fucked me doggy style. After we finished having sex, I go to use the washroom, to see there were many used condoms in his garbage. In that moment, I felt my stomach drop. Maybe, this wasn’t just sex for me. But I didn’t want to stop seeing him. So I pretended like it didn’t hurt. I was curious though, so i openly asked about the other girl(s). He was sleeping with multiple girls, possibly some the same age as me. He showed me some of the photos of girls sending him nudes. Probably thinking it would turn me on. But on the inside it was hurting me. Chad was an honest man (to my knowledge), I asked a question and he answered honestly. He always treated me well and with respect. 

Prom

      As spring came along, it was time to shop for prom. The excitement has hit me, I can’t wait to find the perfect dress… and a date. Can’t really bring Chad now can I. But somehow the excitement of prom got the best of me, I let it slip out. Chad asked me, isn’t prom for high school? I am in high school. He was more surprised than anything. It was unsettling. He wasn’t even mad that I basically lied to him about being underage when we met. It confirmed the feeling I was having about not being the only one. Prom night had finally arrived. With a hand-me-down dress from my cousin; which I loved but looked better on her. The hairdresser messed up my hair which caused me to take the frustration out on my mom; ended up going back to fix what little could with all the hairspray and I broke a nail polish bottle at the salon which costed more than the actual manicure. Not the best start to this wonderful day. Thankfully, my co-worker at McDonald’s agreed to be my date. My heels made me much taller than him; no complaints on the date though, considering I had no boyfriend or love interest, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Having someone from another school come as my prom date made me feel less alone; the outsider I felt I was. Prom was nothing like I had ever hoped. But it’s a memory I’ll hold onto forever, thanks to the most outspoken and funny prom date. We may have kissed, but I won’t tell.

After all of the dancing was over around, at a quarter to eleven, all the graduates were invited back to the after party, the school had provided yellow school busses for transportation (safety first guys). Beforehand, most pitched tents on this beautiful property with twinkle lights everywhere, guiding our trail, which went on forever and an enormous house with an underground pool, pool house, guest house and hot tub(s). Ryan, the Senior football quarter back was the one to host out in the country side. My last night as a senior was interesting. I had only had a drink or two, yet everyone else seemed to have been drinking long before me. Which lead to one of the popular guys, Kyle, whom might I mention had never really talked to me until that night, kissed me. Kyle was the obnoxious, good looking, class clown. My first initial reaction was, is this really happening and why? Right after he was called over by his other drunk friends and that was the end of that interaction. Not too long after, I was wondering around trying to find someone I’d actually hangout with, till I was pulled into a tent to play spin the bottle, but before I could even sit down I was already being kissed by yet another good looking  popular guy. Kevin, tall, dark skinned, muscular and senior running back. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Did someone spike the punch? Apparently not. I was not phased by either kiss. All I could think of, is that they had four years to get a chance and that I was over this after party. His reasoning was that he thought I was hot. I ended up calling Chad to come pick me up. While waiting for Chad, another guy on the football team, Troy, came over and kissed me with tongue. Troy was the same height as me, jet black hair, and his eyes looked like the ocean. He was always nice to everyone, always said hello to me in the halls, and sat beside me in World Religions class. Somehow that final kiss I had left me feeling good. Kissed three times at one after party, where I barely talked to anyone in my graduating class, somehow left me with a feeling that I belonged in that class. I had never hooked up with anyone from my school let alone make out with them until prom night. 

Just as the kiss ended, I wished it didn’t. For a moment I felt my age, and I wished that I could have experienced this moment before. Maybe things would have been different, maybe I wouldn’t have felt the need to go for an older guy that only saw me as a sex object. Sadly though, that was not the case. Before I could say anything to the guy who kissed me, he explained how he always wanted to do that and needed to that before the night ended. Just as I was going to make the next move, car lights glare on us. Honking the horn, there Chad was. He couldn’t have had better timing? 

Still in my prom dress, Chad took me back to his place. A 90′s cliché somewhere in there. We fucked like rabbits one last time. I had feelings for Chad but I always knew I could do better. I also couldn’t help but think about that final kiss. Wishing I hadn’t called Chad and left the after party. The next morning Chad had drove me home. The drive home felt different than usual, maybe because deep down I knew that this was it. This is the end with Chad. I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to leave the moment as is. 

I did however bump into Chad 4 years later when my grandma was on Palliative Care. He was working at the hospital and still looked sexy as ever. It was an odd encounter and still doesn’t call me by my first name. Go figure.